Month: March 2013

I Was So Much Older Then, I’m Younger Than That Now

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Snowblind | via Tumblr

I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.

I remember hearing this lyric repeatedly over the stereo speakers while sitting in the backseat of my parent’s car at age 12.  My father always made it a point to make my brother and I listen to his music repeatedly.  It used to piss me off so much because all I wanted to do was listen to Britney Spears and *NSYNC.  My brother was indifferent to music; I, on the other hand survived and thrived off it.  I didn’t thrive off my father’s music though because I always found the lyrics confusing and stupid.

He was playing Bob Dylan.

It was only years later that I took (I mean borrowed) my father’s collection of Bob Dylan records and sat and really listened to them:

I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.

The song is called “My Back Pages”.  I got it! I finally got it! Bobby Dylan was trying to tell me something.  His reflection and look back on his life through his lyrics…I finally got it.

I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.

These lyrics express precisely this period of time in my life.  My older self, which is actually my younger self, say around age 16, knew EXACTLY what she wanted to do with her life and knew that she could handle anything that came her way no matter how difficult the obstacle to achieve her goal.  At age 16 I knew I wanted to be an actress. Scratch that.  I wanted to be a wildly famous and successful actress and I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to achieve this ridiculous goal.  I also knew that if (god forbid) I couldn’t accomplish that goal, not at my own hand but at hands of others that my back-up plan would be to go to law school.  What 16 year old thinks that way? I figured if I couldn’t act on television at least I could put on a show in the courtroom Elle Woods style.  I was so much older then. More together then. Or was I just naïve?  You may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one. Okay, I’ll stop with the lyrics.  Maybe the older-ness of youth is what my generation is missing: the ability to make concrete decisions and fucking follow through on them.

I’m younger than that now.  Although I’m not 16 anymore my perceived older-ness of that time is gone.  Most of the time I am a confused 25 year old child who has the world in front of her and has a tough time making life decisions because now shit it real, so to speak.  But then again, so what.  Shit is real.  I’m slowly learning how to make concrete decisions.  I am a product of the times, so shoot me.  Perhaps my young-ness, when it comes to thinking about life, stems from the fact that when you’re younger you don’t have to truly think about the path because it is set for you every day and for the next few years until you turn 21 and graduate from college.  Everything is a process and I am learning.  I guess my father knew what he was doing when he made me listen to countless hours of the poetic, lyrical and musical genius that is Bob Dylan.

 

“The times they are a changin’”~ Bob Dylan

 

Taryn

XO

Trying to Focus on My Lack of Focus

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One of, if not my biggest issue over these past 3 years since leaving the safe confines of college, has undoubtedly been my lack of focus.  Initially it came as a shock to me in the few months since graduating college but it has now become a very serious part of my life and it has taken on a mind of its own: it has become a personality trait.  I, as a person on this very day in the month of March, am extremely out of focus in terms of my goals in life and in the everyday…down to the most mundane task.  Working as a server, for the hours that I am at work, is the only time I am able to focus but even then I am disconnected.  I try so hard.  While at work my brain wonders to a continuous question that is and has been on repeat for the past 3 years: What the fuck am I doing? Says my mind to myself.

Mind: Taryn!  Fucking focus on what is important, which is where you are going in life.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Go home, sit down and write that screenplay you always wanted to write.  Start your memoirs, write a few jokes.  Give it all a chance.  You are fucking awesome.

Myself: I know, I will.

And the vicious cycle continues.  I don’t sit and do it.  I can do it.  But I don’t.  But now I am trying a different method: I am pushing myself to.  I have to.  I find time is slipping away and my deepest fears creep closer to reality with each passing day—what if I don’t accomplish my goals, my dreams? What if I end up as nothing?  I will pay myself one compliment and it is something that can never be taken away from me, even if everything else goes to shit: I am very intelligent.  My intelligence and my excelling in school is the one thing in my life that I always felt I had everyone beat.  Fuck being pretty, being funny, having a great personality—I have always been at the top when it comes to my intelligence.  I have always defined myself by it.  But now I feel it has slipped away and over these past 3 years I have lost myself.

Lost myself.

I have finally figured out why—my brain is dying.  I am trying desperately now to save it.  Insecurity of the self has accrued over the years and that is my main problem.  I find myself getting dumber by the day.  It’s not me, not me at all.  No one that I know now, since graduating from college, knows the real me.  I know that life is fluid; our selves are constantly changing and we are constantly in flux but I believe, deep down to my core, that there are large pieces of the self that remain intact despite the years, the experiences, and the changes.  I believe there is both the constant self and the changing self.  My struggle now is finding the balance, perhaps taking a step back in order to go forward, which is exactly what I am now doing.  Notice I didn’t say trying.

Focus has now become a necessity: it is no longer a luxury for me.  With each passing day I intend to work on my focus, which is something I’m not used to having to work on as it came naturally.  I wonder if the chaos of life after college or life, as I like to call it, breeds lack of focus-ness to all if not most.  Deep down I know I am not alone.

Day by day.

“Are you reeling in the years? Stowing away the time? Are you gatherin up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?” ~Steely Dan

Taryn

XO

“I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.” ― Ava Gardner

What Makes You Happy, I Mean Really Happy?

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I just signed onto Facebook and I see that one of my friends has posted a status that asks the question: “What makes you happy?  I mean really happy? #pensive”.

First off, I looked at the status and I thought, fuck.  How do I answer that?  My second reaction was that I looked at the hashtag, and I thought, I hate hashtags and social media.  Ironic, I know but I am forced into social media usage…I am a product of the times and if I disconnect myself…well, then I don’t actually exist in the world.  I digress.

“What makes you happy? I mean really happy?”, I must admit, my friend’s silly Facebook status made me think.  Happy? Does she mean what do I want in life that will make me happy and complete?  Does she mean goals?  Is she speaking about the now or the 5-10 years from now?  I think you can answer this deep rooted question however you want to but I think she is referring to the right here and right now and what you can do to bring yourself happiness today.  My happiness of today and tomorrow is rare and fleeting, which is why I find it difficult to answer this question anyway. But here it goes:

  • Writing makes me happy—I love to put my thoughts down on paper, *ehh hemm* I meant computer (either/or). Writing is my way of creating, which will make me rich and famous in the future but right now it brings me great pleasure.
  • Money—I hate working as a waitress but when I see the rewards, and they are great, for work that doesn’t require me to dig deep into my cerebral cortex and wrack my brain to find an answer, I must say, it makes me pretty damn happy.
  • Exercising—Kickboxing, running, I love the high and the results.  Who doesn’t? A great workout does wonders on your mood and while the high remains, changes your view of the world.  It really is a wonderful place, isn’t it?
  • Love—I am happy when I am in the arms of the one I love, er..or should I say other?  I will sacrifice for potential love and endure hardship and confusion for momentary wonderment and happiness.  Knowing that there is someone out there that can make you smile and can push your buttons in just the right way is what gets me though the night.  Call me crazy, but I’m a hopeless romantic.
  • Family—I know this should have been first but it doesn’t mean it’s not the most important thing that contributes to my happiness.  I am who I am because of their love and support.  Enough said.

There are a lot of other things that make me happy but they are not in the present but in the near future…i.e. stand-up comedy, improv, etc…

Thank you Facebook friend for making me want to question the here and now and for giving me some food for thought.  I needed that.  Be grateful for the here and now.

“Don’t stop believing”~Journey

(I think it’s going to be appropriate to end each entry with a song lyric)

Taryn

XO

I Write in the Night

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I find that most of my inspiration comes at night after I have lived through an entire day. My clearest thoughts on life seem to come out at night, by night, I mean well after 12 midnight.  It’s probably because I have adjusted my lifestyle and have learned to live in the night.  I also find that in addition to my crystal clear logic that seeps out in the midnight hour, my emotional releases, i.e. crying my eyeballs out, makes me see the world in a whole new light.  I cry in the night.  No surprise there.  Catharsis in any form makes someone feel better and see more clearly than they had before.  Like any other female, or any person with overwhelming feminine qualities to them who subscribe to society’s pre-concieved notion of what qualities are feminine i.e. being emotional, I must talk and reason situations out as it brings me peace of mind.  The talking usually includes a lot of crying.  Crying, as a response to a particular situation, is also a symptom and response to my emotional instability.  I am 25 and I have never been more emotional in my life; if someone looks at me the wrong way I want to scream.  I have always been in touch with my emotions and have never been afraid to let go but as I have gotten older, I have had to hold my breath and compartmentalize my emotions.  It has become a survival technique and the only way I have been able to keep my sanity during these massively frustrating and confusing times. a.k.a. my twenties.  And what a magical time in life it is!  Ahh, the twenties, when relationships and career choices will affect your every waking moment and quite possibly the rest of your life.  Although there is still a great element of fun, the twenties are supposed to be fun, hell, your entire life should be fun, the people you encounter and form relationships with now, friendship and romantic, are ones that could possibly stick for a very long time.  I have finally realized this fact and I accept the premise.  The twenties have also made me realize: your dreams are not what you thought they would be.  You do not fall in love with the kind of people you thought you would.  Your life takes twists and turns along this long road of life that you could have never imagined and hopefully it opens your eyes to other wonderful possibilities.  The twenties are a battle with the inner self, which ultimately aids in the discovery of the self.  You must commit wrong to figure out what is right and what makes you happy.  I don’t believe this battle ever ceases but I do believe it gets easier as you get older.  The battle cannot ever end because as human beings we are constantly changing and striving for greater understanding.  I look forward to greater understanding.

My mind is wandering now to thoughts of love.  Love is truly the greatest mystery in this life and I do not wish to ever understand it because then it loses its magic.  Love is not meant to be the match up between two people sharing the exact same interests, love is meant to be inexplicable and blind.  Love is fire and passion and knows no bounds.  To love someone is to see them and only them across a crowded room.  Love tests your limits and your strength.  I cannot stress this point enough: true love is NEVER easy.  This is the way I love and the way I choose to love.

As John Lennon said, whatever gets you through the night.

Goodnight.