“It is always wise to look ahead, but difficult to look further than you can see”
~Winston Churchill
Author: Taryn Brooke
Ocean Sounds and Sandy Feet
How I love summer! How I live for it!
How has this been the worst summer of my life? Pause for dramatic effect and dramatic statement.
For as long as I can remember, well, since age 16 if memory serves, summer has made me cry. It has left me heartbroken and longing, longing for something I could not have or it was a love/puppy love that left me and broke my heart in which circumstances did not allow love and I to be together. This summer did not disappoint and unfortunately did not break trend. Basically what I am saying is, is that I have had my heart broken every summer since age 16. I don’t know what it is about the summer that makes love sour and then leaves it for dead. I always thought it was called the “Summer of Love” for a reason but then I think my summers flow more along the lines to Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness”:
I’ve got that summertime, summertime sadness
S-s-summertime, summertime sadness
Got that summertime, summertime sadness
Oh, oh oh oh
And so it goes. That is how I feel on my bad days and even on my good summer days if something goes even slightly wrong or I am forced to leave the beach and drag my tan body and sandy feet all the way into the job that I hate with a fiery passion. I have had to leave the beach many times before and have been through terrible heartache during the summer but this summer will stand out in my mind. I have been to the beach only a handful of times. And as a person who lives for the ocean sounds and the sand in, on and around my feet, not going to the beach has killed my soul or should I say rather that it has injured it and left it barely hanging in there on life support. The beach is where I replenish my soul, get daily multi-vitamin, if you will, and I have been severely lacking it that I feel like my skin is turning yellow. Perhaps the lack of beach summer fun is perpetuating my heartbreak, my loneliness and my confusion with life and how it should be lived. It goes back to my “analysis paralysis”. I don’t know if my Uncle coined the term but he diagnosed me with this paralysis, which he described as over analyzing life and situations thus leaving you paralyzed, unable to make a concrete decision. The beach has and always will anesthetize my over-analysis and soothe my life ache.
The beach is my great equalizer. I still have some time before the fall arrives to get my daily requirement and save up a little for the fall.
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.~Bob Dylan, “Tangled Up In Blue”
Taryn
XO
Dazed and Confused
This morning I woke up dazed and confused as if my head was in a state of hangover-ness. But I did not drink the night before. It is probably because I am endlessly tired and in a very fragile mental state. I constantly feel like I am one comment away from a set-back; a spinning right back into my state of confusion. I don’t know if I should call it a state anymore, as it has become a way of life, a condition, if you will. I really don’t believe things are supposed to be this difficult. Damn. I think I have been reading too much of Prozac Nation.
I’m not sure why every time I start to feel better, the first step on the long road to mental recover, something constantly pops up and sets me back to start. I need to know why I am constantly being challenged and why all of life seems like the last few miles during the marathon: you just need to stop thinking about the pain and discomfort and go. Eventually you will reach the finish line if you don’t collapse first. I want a pleasant jog, a few mile run but the pain is constant. I wonder when it will end. I must confess though that a few things in my life are not bringing something positive and it is all my fault so I have learned an internal mantra: Stay focused. Maybe I should have gotten that one tattooed on my wrist.
In the meantime, I will continue to exist and seek momentary pleasure, whatever it may be.
Taryn
XO
Choices
Lately I have been thinking about choices, mostly because it has been difficult for me to make one. The word options has also come to mind, along with the thought that once I make this choice my other options disappear rather quickly…or do they? But mostly I think about choices and the bad ones I have made over the course of my 25 years (almost 26). I speak, for the most part, about the ones that I have made over the past 5 years, the ones that really matter. For instance: what career path am I choosing…do I continue my education…what men should I date or not date…what friends do I keep in my life…what should I be putting on/in my body or not putting on/in my body? These are very broad questions and they sound almost stupid but these questions are my reality and have been my reality for the past 5 years. It’s weed out time but I still have time. Time to figure out what to do with my life.
I love to think about choices because they encompass everything that you do. Why have I made some of the choices I have made in my life? What if it was meant to happen this way? Your choices both good and bad are necessary, a sort of necessary evil that has shaped you into the person you are today and you are better for it. This is an incredibly positive way to think and now I feel that I don’t know who is writing this post. It must be someone else. Me? Positive? Not these days. In fact, far from it.
But what if all of this misery that I feel and the unhappiness of the everyday is meant to drive me, push me forward in a way to a place that I am supposed to be? I know my writing is better the more unhappy I am, in that case, the unhappiness drives me. But then, wouldn’t one have to believe in a grand design to all things big and small? I guess maybe I do believe that. I desperately want to believe that. After all, I am finally able to reach momentary happiness while I sit and write and express myself. I know I was supposed to make all of these ridiculous mistakes and turn down great opportunities to career paths that I may have been programmed to want, at no one’s fault but my own. But why do I still cry almost every day over lost opportunity? It comes back to choices. Once you make one choice, the other’s fade away but I cry as if all opportunity is lost. And it isn’t.
I am trying to learn to live positively, taking all the good with the bad but it’s so difficult when the mind has been beaten down and smashed in for so long over conscious, perhaps even unconscious choices of where to go and who to go there with and why.
One day I know, these choices will get easier and make more sense. Perhaps in hindsight.
I Was So Much Older Then, I’m Younger Than That Now
I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.
I remember hearing this lyric repeatedly over the stereo speakers while sitting in the backseat of my parent’s car at age 12. My father always made it a point to make my brother and I listen to his music repeatedly. It used to piss me off so much because all I wanted to do was listen to Britney Spears and *NSYNC. My brother was indifferent to music; I, on the other hand survived and thrived off it. I didn’t thrive off my father’s music though because I always found the lyrics confusing and stupid.
He was playing Bob Dylan.
It was only years later that I took (I mean borrowed) my father’s collection of Bob Dylan records and sat and really listened to them:
I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.
The song is called “My Back Pages”. I got it! I finally got it! Bobby Dylan was trying to tell me something. His reflection and look back on his life through his lyrics…I finally got it.
I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.
These lyrics express precisely this period of time in my life. My older self, which is actually my younger self, say around age 16, knew EXACTLY what she wanted to do with her life and knew that she could handle anything that came her way no matter how difficult the obstacle to achieve her goal. At age 16 I knew I wanted to be an actress. Scratch that. I wanted to be a wildly famous and successful actress and I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to achieve this ridiculous goal. I also knew that if (god forbid) I couldn’t accomplish that goal, not at my own hand but at hands of others that my back-up plan would be to go to law school. What 16 year old thinks that way? I figured if I couldn’t act on television at least I could put on a show in the courtroom Elle Woods style. I was so much older then. More together then. Or was I just naïve? You may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one. Okay, I’ll stop with the lyrics. Maybe the older-ness of youth is what my generation is missing: the ability to make concrete decisions and fucking follow through on them.
I’m younger than that now. Although I’m not 16 anymore my perceived older-ness of that time is gone. Most of the time I am a confused 25 year old child who has the world in front of her and has a tough time making life decisions because now shit it real, so to speak. But then again, so what. Shit is real. I’m slowly learning how to make concrete decisions. I am a product of the times, so shoot me. Perhaps my young-ness, when it comes to thinking about life, stems from the fact that when you’re younger you don’t have to truly think about the path because it is set for you every day and for the next few years until you turn 21 and graduate from college. Everything is a process and I am learning. I guess my father knew what he was doing when he made me listen to countless hours of the poetic, lyrical and musical genius that is Bob Dylan.
“The times they are a changin’”~ Bob Dylan
Taryn
XO
Trying to Focus on My Lack of Focus
One of, if not my biggest issue over these past 3 years since leaving the safe confines of college, has undoubtedly been my lack of focus. Initially it came as a shock to me in the few months since graduating college but it has now become a very serious part of my life and it has taken on a mind of its own: it has become a personality trait. I, as a person on this very day in the month of March, am extremely out of focus in terms of my goals in life and in the everyday…down to the most mundane task. Working as a server, for the hours that I am at work, is the only time I am able to focus but even then I am disconnected. I try so hard. While at work my brain wonders to a continuous question that is and has been on repeat for the past 3 years: What the fuck am I doing? Says my mind to myself.
Mind: Taryn! Fucking focus on what is important, which is where you are going in life. What the fuck is wrong with you? Go home, sit down and write that screenplay you always wanted to write. Start your memoirs, write a few jokes. Give it all a chance. You are fucking awesome.
Myself: I know, I will.
And the vicious cycle continues. I don’t sit and do it. I can do it. But I don’t. But now I am trying a different method: I am pushing myself to. I have to. I find time is slipping away and my deepest fears creep closer to reality with each passing day—what if I don’t accomplish my goals, my dreams? What if I end up as nothing? I will pay myself one compliment and it is something that can never be taken away from me, even if everything else goes to shit: I am very intelligent. My intelligence and my excelling in school is the one thing in my life that I always felt I had everyone beat. Fuck being pretty, being funny, having a great personality—I have always been at the top when it comes to my intelligence. I have always defined myself by it. But now I feel it has slipped away and over these past 3 years I have lost myself.
Lost myself.
I have finally figured out why—my brain is dying. I am trying desperately now to save it. Insecurity of the self has accrued over the years and that is my main problem. I find myself getting dumber by the day. It’s not me, not me at all. No one that I know now, since graduating from college, knows the real me. I know that life is fluid; our selves are constantly changing and we are constantly in flux but I believe, deep down to my core, that there are large pieces of the self that remain intact despite the years, the experiences, and the changes. I believe there is both the constant self and the changing self. My struggle now is finding the balance, perhaps taking a step back in order to go forward, which is exactly what I am now doing. Notice I didn’t say trying.
Focus has now become a necessity: it is no longer a luxury for me. With each passing day I intend to work on my focus, which is something I’m not used to having to work on as it came naturally. I wonder if the chaos of life after college or life, as I like to call it, breeds lack of focus-ness to all if not most. Deep down I know I am not alone.
Day by day.
“Are you reeling in the years? Stowing away the time? Are you gatherin up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?” ~Steely Dan
Taryn
XO
“I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.” ― Ava Gardner
What Makes You Happy, I Mean Really Happy?
I just signed onto Facebook and I see that one of my friends has posted a status that asks the question: “What makes you happy? I mean really happy? #pensive”.
First off, I looked at the status and I thought, fuck. How do I answer that? My second reaction was that I looked at the hashtag, and I thought, I hate hashtags and social media. Ironic, I know but I am forced into social media usage…I am a product of the times and if I disconnect myself…well, then I don’t actually exist in the world. I digress.
“What makes you happy? I mean really happy?”, I must admit, my friend’s silly Facebook status made me think. Happy? Does she mean what do I want in life that will make me happy and complete? Does she mean goals? Is she speaking about the now or the 5-10 years from now? I think you can answer this deep rooted question however you want to but I think she is referring to the right here and right now and what you can do to bring yourself happiness today. My happiness of today and tomorrow is rare and fleeting, which is why I find it difficult to answer this question anyway. But here it goes:
- Writing makes me happy—I love to put my thoughts down on paper, *ehh hemm* I meant computer (either/or). Writing is my way of creating, which will make me rich and famous in the future but right now it brings me great pleasure.
- Money—I hate working as a waitress but when I see the rewards, and they are great, for work that doesn’t require me to dig deep into my cerebral cortex and wrack my brain to find an answer, I must say, it makes me pretty damn happy.
- Exercising—Kickboxing, running, I love the high and the results. Who doesn’t? A great workout does wonders on your mood and while the high remains, changes your view of the world. It really is a wonderful place, isn’t it?
- Love—I am happy when I am in the arms of the one I love, er..or should I say other? I will sacrifice for potential love and endure hardship and confusion for momentary wonderment and happiness. Knowing that there is someone out there that can make you smile and can push your buttons in just the right way is what gets me though the night. Call me crazy, but I’m a hopeless romantic.
- Family—I know this should have been first but it doesn’t mean it’s not the most important thing that contributes to my happiness. I am who I am because of their love and support. Enough said.
There are a lot of other things that make me happy but they are not in the present but in the near future…i.e. stand-up comedy, improv, etc…
Thank you Facebook friend for making me want to question the here and now and for giving me some food for thought. I needed that. Be grateful for the here and now.
“Don’t stop believing”~Journey
(I think it’s going to be appropriate to end each entry with a song lyric)
Taryn
XO
I Write in the Night
I find that most of my inspiration comes at night after I have lived through an entire day. My clearest thoughts on life seem to come out at night, by night, I mean well after 12 midnight. It’s probably because I have adjusted my lifestyle and have learned to live in the night. I also find that in addition to my crystal clear logic that seeps out in the midnight hour, my emotional releases, i.e. crying my eyeballs out, makes me see the world in a whole new light. I cry in the night. No surprise there. Catharsis in any form makes someone feel better and see more clearly than they had before. Like any other female, or any person with overwhelming feminine qualities to them who subscribe to society’s pre-concieved notion of what qualities are feminine i.e. being emotional, I must talk and reason situations out as it brings me peace of mind. The talking usually includes a lot of crying. Crying, as a response to a particular situation, is also a symptom and response to my emotional instability. I am 25 and I have never been more emotional in my life; if someone looks at me the wrong way I want to scream. I have always been in touch with my emotions and have never been afraid to let go but as I have gotten older, I have had to hold my breath and compartmentalize my emotions. It has become a survival technique and the only way I have been able to keep my sanity during these massively frustrating and confusing times. a.k.a. my twenties. And what a magical time in life it is! Ahh, the twenties, when relationships and career choices will affect your every waking moment and quite possibly the rest of your life. Although there is still a great element of fun, the twenties are supposed to be fun, hell, your entire life should be fun, the people you encounter and form relationships with now, friendship and romantic, are ones that could possibly stick for a very long time. I have finally realized this fact and I accept the premise. The twenties have also made me realize: your dreams are not what you thought they would be. You do not fall in love with the kind of people you thought you would. Your life takes twists and turns along this long road of life that you could have never imagined and hopefully it opens your eyes to other wonderful possibilities. The twenties are a battle with the inner self, which ultimately aids in the discovery of the self. You must commit wrong to figure out what is right and what makes you happy. I don’t believe this battle ever ceases but I do believe it gets easier as you get older. The battle cannot ever end because as human beings we are constantly changing and striving for greater understanding. I look forward to greater understanding.
My mind is wandering now to thoughts of love. Love is truly the greatest mystery in this life and I do not wish to ever understand it because then it loses its magic. Love is not meant to be the match up between two people sharing the exact same interests, love is meant to be inexplicable and blind. Love is fire and passion and knows no bounds. To love someone is to see them and only them across a crowded room. Love tests your limits and your strength. I cannot stress this point enough: true love is NEVER easy. This is the way I love and the way I choose to love.
As John Lennon said, whatever gets you through the night.
Goodnight.
Taryn's Turn Nyc 