summer

Hitchin’ a Ride

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Today, on this first official day of Summer (with a capital S) I learned that no one is hiring. And I mean, NO ONE IS HIRING. Every job posting is a joke and a taunt, and I truly believe that they’re ALL fake. Or the job is already taken. This is definitely the worst time to look for a job because everyone’s brain is on temporary vacation until after Labor Day. I’m actually OK with that, but what about afterwards?

Today really was a beautiful day.

I thought about moving forward and moving backwards. I thought about how far ahead of the game I used to be, and how I knew exactly what I wanted and how I was going to get there. But then, somewhere along the way I fell behind, terribly behind, and have used the past year to catch up on the last 5 years that I lost out on, career-wise. Figuring out what you love and what-you’re-meant-to-do-for-the-rest-of-your life is utterly exhausting, and soul crushing and every other life-crushing metaphor you can conjure up. Everybody seemed to have kept moving during those 5 years, but not me. I was happy where I was, at the time until I wasn’t, having missed out on actually enjoying my standing-still time because of my own perfectionist tendencies and academic endeavors. I finally got my chance to be a fuck-up for a while. And it was the best thing I could have ever done, for me.

I got my body tattooed, explored New York City’s farthest reaches and darkest corners, met the most interesting and fucked-up people, spoke to anybody that I could anywhere I could, spent a lot of money, made a lot of money, explored the depths of my sexuality and along the way, fell in love, and  I finally discovered what I wanted. Which, funny enough, lead me right back to where I started.

I guess everything is cyclical.

I’m happy to continue on and reach farther and ignore the fact that I fell behind because I gained more than I ever could have in retrospect, if I had followed the traditional path. I think about how miserable I would have been if I didn’t pull over to the side of the road for the while and decide to hitch a ride. Granted it’s not the safest thing in the world, but it sure as hell was fun.

Now, let’s all head to the beach.

Taryn

XO

I Don’t Know Where I’m Going, But I Sure Know Where I’ve Been

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Letsgo~

I don’t think many people credit Whitesnake with inspirational and life affirming lyrics but today is the day that I say, yes! Yes, Whitesnake, not only do I thoroughly enjoy the video with Tawny Kitaen rolling and thrusting around atop a black Jaguar but I truly believe that if I was the age I am now in the 80’s I would have been a video vixen or a hair band groupie just as Kitaen (!!) I feel every line and every lyric. Although my impossible dream is just that, the video and the lyrics to the song truly express a free-ness that is now coming to inside of me. I feel like jumping into a car, rolling the windows down, letting my hair loose and flipping it around as wildly as I can. Right now I feel young and free and with that free-ness come a strange form of determination, hanging onto and learning from the past but I ain’t wasting no more time. Here I go again…

Do you like Jag-uuars?

I don’t know where I’m goin’
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
Here I go again, here I go again

I’m ready to move forward and with that attitude change, it means it must be summer!

No wonder I feel so happy and carefree.

I hate that this feeling is only temporary.

I want to feel like this 24/7 and 365 days of the year!

Only now do I think back positively and actually see what I have accomplished and have finally given in and chose the path of least resistance (internally, of course) and follow my dreams of being a writer and eventual entrepreneurship. I know where I have been (down, way, way down) and how I have not felt like my high achieving self for a couple of years now, not feeling as accomplished as the day I walked across the stage graduating college and accepting my BA in Media Studies (minor in Political Science, har har) and my succeeding law school acceptances. I have wasted so much time figuring out my next moves, what exactly I want and how to reach my goals (that I have set very high yet realistically for myself) and have tried desperately to break away from my institutionalized way of thinking and of life I have known since I’m 5 years old (damn it’s fucking hard). Becoming your own boss and following your own creative endeavors is one of the most freeing yet scariest decisions I have ever made in my entire life but I am set on the extraordinary and I do not want to waste a perfectly good me.

I feel as if I have finally reached the Welcome to Adulthood sign at this point in the journey, the knowing where you have been but choosing the career path where you’re not sure where you’re going and despite the uncertainty of it, it’s wonderful. Making choices in my opinion, is what truly defines adulthood, along with the freedom of that choice.

In choosing a creative field where the possibilities are quite endless you truthfully cannot say where you are going but you are definitely along for a most wonderful ride that hopefully at some point includes a Jaguar.

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
‘Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time


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Ocean Sounds and Sandy Feet

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feet

How I love summer! How I live for it!

How has this been the worst summer of my life? Pause for dramatic effect and dramatic statement.

For as long as I can remember, well, since age 16 if memory serves, summer has made me cry. It has left me heartbroken and longing, longing for something I could not have or it was a love/puppy love that left me and broke my heart in which circumstances did not allow love and I to be together. This summer did not disappoint and unfortunately did not break trend. Basically what I am saying is, is that I have had my heart broken every summer since age 16. I don’t know what it is about the summer that makes love sour and then leaves it for dead. I always thought it was called the “Summer of Love” for a reason but then I think my summers flow more along the lines to Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness”:

I’ve got that summertime, summertime sadness
S-s-summertime, summertime sadness
Got that summertime, summertime sadness
Oh, oh oh oh

And so it goes. That is how I feel on my bad days and even on my good summer days if something goes even slightly wrong or I am forced to leave the beach and drag my tan body and sandy feet all the way into the job that I hate with a fiery passion. I have had to leave the beach many times before and have been through terrible heartache during the summer but this summer will stand out in my mind. I have been to the beach only a handful of times. And as a person who lives for the ocean sounds and the sand in, on and around my feet, not going to the beach has killed my soul or should I say rather that it has injured it and  left it barely hanging in there on life support. The beach is where I replenish my soul, get daily multi-vitamin, if you will, and I have been severely lacking it that I feel like my skin is turning yellow. Perhaps the lack of beach summer fun is perpetuating my heartbreak, my loneliness and my confusion with life and how it should be lived. It goes back to my “analysis paralysis”. I don’t know if my Uncle coined the term but he diagnosed me with this paralysis, which he described as over analyzing life and situations thus leaving you paralyzed, unable to make a concrete decision. The beach has and always will anesthetize my over-analysis and soothe my life ache.

The beach is my great equalizer. I still have some time before the fall arrives to get my daily requirement and save up a little for the fall.

The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.

~Bob Dylan, “Tangled  Up In Blue”

Taryn

XO