This past week has been one of both utter sadness and of a renewed and deep appreciation for life, one that I don’t believe I have ever felt before, making both large and small problems and annoyances seem like nothing. I wore them like a badge this week, a signifier of the living. This past week an unexpected (at least to me) death of an old friend and work colleague occurred, passing away at the age of 24 from brain cancer. For the first time in my young life I experienced the death of someone that was more or less my own age. Death became a reality that I have never thought about, never paid attention to because I am at a point in life where death is highly unlikely and a time in which YOLO is the only way to live: without consequence (or minimal consequence) and without fear. I do not feel the same anymore because for the first time death is real, although itself intangible it is there. And it can happen. And now more than ever I wish to come out of my haze of confusion and happiness and live. I want to feel grateful to be alive and to wake up in the morning and see the beautiful sun shining, providing us all with light and life and then roll over and see the man I love fast asleep, beautiful and peaceful with me unable to do anything but smile. For the first time in my life, deep down to my very core, I feel grateful and enlightened.

On my way to her wake, I saw more old friends: friends I have regretfully lost touch with and those who were glorified acquaintances, nevertheless, in The Big Chill-like fashion we were all reunited happy to see each other despite the devastatingly awful occasion. As I walked in to go see her and say goodbye, nervous as could be as I almost did not know how to act, there she was. In that instant I remembered her youthful beauty, the way she was and how she was full of life, hope and great promise. My tear ducts were blocked from being in a state of disbelief but my stomach had surely made up for my lack of salty tears. People from all different walks of life filled the room to show their love and support and I was not surprised to see how many people loved her and wished to say goodbye. I couldn’t take being in there for that long and as I turned to leave I saw two white poster boards with pictures of my friend from the day she was born up until her passing: pictures of her having fun, pictures of her with her family and her fiance and pictures of her enjoying her full albeit, short life. I looked at her baby picture and was reminded of how short her life would inevitably be. A wave of sorrow overcame me. How could this be? I thought. How does something like this happen? I wish I had gotten to see her one last time. She always had such a beautiful smile.

I walked back towards the train with my friends and I realized what an uncharacteristically warm and beautiful day it was in early April. I suddenly felt a deep appreciation for something as simple as a warm day and at that moment I couldn’t imagine not being able to look up at the sky and breathe in the freshest air that New York City has to offer. 

In the days since her wake I have thought about destiny, that bitch who lives by her own rules and who is already aware of where your life is going and of course, the when, where and how of your inevitable demise. Some people do not believe in the concept of destiny but I do to a certain degree and I apply it to the things I cannot change, I accept everything that is and that will be. I feel free. I know now that it’s time to live and to not hold back, take chances and do what you love. If I don’t wake tomorrow I want to know that I was doing what I love, living my life to the fullest and that I had all the love in the world from my family, my boyfriend and my friends. I do not want anymore days of unhappiness to pass me by. I’m trying.

Rest in peace darling and thank you for helping me to see the beauty in life.

xo Taryn